Never ask yourself "can things get any worse???

My moms update:

Neither arm will lift. My left hand that I have been relying on wants to quit. Gravity is not my friend. Every step I take feels like an overwhelming burden to this body as if I am carrying an extra 500 pounds of weight tied to my ankles and wrists. When I lay down in my bed at night I become a prisoner. It feels like 

the weight of an elephant is sitting on my chest pinning both my body and limbs down leaving me unable to move or rollover without assistance. It is attacking my neck and throat. I have all the signs that my voice to might soon go. I can feel it's tightening grip on my lungs too! Pain has filled my body head to toe. I rely on others for everything. Insurance continues to deny the doctors request for home health care, nurses aide and much-needed medical equipment. But the one thing I will never ask "could it possibly be worse" because I know for a fact that it could be! What a difference a year has made. Never take for granted the simple things. Give thanks for your good health because without it life could be a living hell!

. ...................

Why is there nothing available for these people who are suffering.... Maybe if we could get 30,000 more people diagnosed with this at once, there might be more assistance.

what the MDA has offered to help with  they are either are out  of supplies or we are still waiting...waiting going on months of waiting.

My mom has also been denied all assistance with her insurance.

HOW IS THIS OKAY??? 

I am going to stop here, 

before I let me frustrations turn into words. 

Not pretty

One's life to another.

 A few weeks after my mom was diagnosed with her illness  i happen to have a little bad moment at the end of my work day. this lady who happen to be there was trying to comfort me by (we never really called us buds, we just never really cared for each-other all the time haha) hugged me and looked into my eyes and told me " You are not strong enough to deal with this, you are a weak person."  As she is telling me this, she is hugging me and doing the let me comfort you thing, let me play with your hair. At the time I was obviously needing a hug from somebody and obviously didn't care from who and wasn't grasping on to the words spilling out of her mouth.

After a day or two went by I really started to think about the words that came from her mouth, they began to have such a sour taste. Those words really came from a person that has had so many trials in her own life. I was floored.

 I went into hermit mode, I tried to not those words get to me but they were in the back of mind constantly. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I just felt bitter, especially towards this person.

Luckily, this lasted about a minute, because of the person I am, I also observe people and things  like a weirdo. i started to watch her body language especially when she spoke about the trials she has gone through in her life, it was always during an opportunity to compare herself to another person, she always had to be the one dealing with everything better than another or she always was on top of her game compared to whomever so and so.. blah blah blah

all of a suddenly light bulb flashed on!
! Hello!! Where have you been little light!
 I needed you along time ago!

This lady was full of shit! How dare her!
Nobody in my life has ever told me I am "weak."
 since the age on 9 years old, my mom has always told me i am one strong little lady
and it has been planted in my brain ever since.
Although I break down at times,
 I know I am strong enough to deal with anything that comes my way.
I don't need to be validated by anyone, either.


I realized how bitter she is about life, and if someone shows weakness around her you can see her energy just ready to suck the life out of someone.
 Like a vampire!!!
It was insane!
I then started to watch the people she was best buds with and they all had the same thing in common, her being the worst of them all. (In my opinion) ((I wish I would of noticed this along time ago because I had prior incidents  with all this ladies)) and I dismissed myself from their energy, I was totally done and over it.

After my light bulb saga I felt so so much better about myself, and I pitied her.
I am like my mother when it comes to being emotional, i believe it shows how compassionate we are for other people and life in general and I am not ashamed of it, at all. I am very emotionally attached to anything in my life including people I barely meet. If you show an ounce of kindness in my direction I am all about you and your friendship, to some this might make me a weak person to others maybe not.

Regardless of all the trials I have been challenged with in my life, believe it or not there is some horrible ones. I never sit and compare and belittle another-just because it wasn't as "awful" as mine.

Long story short, don't compare your life to another's. no good will ever come out of it, you are not that person. You are you. Wether it's relationships, trials and/or accomplishments.
When people say you never really know a man until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say walk two and you might get a better start as to why a person believes in what they do feels what the feel and why they choose to do what they do.

It's true, so very true.

My life...as I know it

Anyone reading this... It's not meant to be a "brandy is complaining session" just thought I would share some stuff with you. (:

My mom was diagnosed with a disease most famously known as "Lou Gehrig's disease. It is a disease where the nerves that communicate with her spine to tell things to move are dying and because the muscles are no longer able to move they are dying as well. Its like her body is a candle that is lite. its just melting away. i think it's fast but i have met people that have had loved ones pass away within 2 months of being diagnosed. because of those people i am forever grateful  for the time I am have with her.

My mom is no longer able to do basic things... Things that most people don't even think twice about. Oh you have an itch on your forehead?? Most of you just scratch it and get on with your day. People that are diagnosed with this disease can no longer lift their arm up to itch and if they can most likely they can't bend their fingers to do the scratching motion. Even while you are resting on the couch,but while you are sitting there you might shift your leg to adjust yourself  or if you are laying on the couch and you want to roll to your other side, its so simple to just move when you are uncomfortable. Or a strand of hair falls into your face and you simply brush it away. my mom can no longer do any of those things. So my days have turned into more than just hanging out with my mom and loving every second with her to my body is now being her body in a weird way, I guess haha. Not only do I help her get up to use the bathroom, help her get into her chair, make her breakfast, shower her, dress her, blah blah blah. I am everywhere in between.

My day usually starts at 12:05 am, I make her sleep with me so I can sleep better. As she sleeps I have gotten used to the sounds she makes so I know when she is getting ready for me to want to roll her over, or take the blankets off or put them back on or move  a piece of hair from her face. You have to roll her with ease because her rig shoulder muscle is torn so you can't just grab an arm and pull her on her side you have to put your hand on her shoulder blade and quickly pull while hurrying to the middle of her back while grabbing her right leg and keep her body rolling all at once. Being super careful not to grab her with to much strength because if half of her body goes without the other it's very painful for her and can bruise her. Especially with the back of her legs, she has some bigger veins that are painful. If you accidentally push/pull on them she will scream. (Oops!) 

So from there after I adjust her, I adjust her pillow so her head is isn't dangling awkward and her neck is just so bothersome.( I wish I would of kept count of her in pillow buying attempts, because her neck is getting weak she needs support on her neck but if the pillow is to fluffy she feels like she is suffocating and it's not stiff enough to support the neck and if the pillow is to stiff then it usually doesn't get her head very comfortable.... So on and so on, I now have 7 ish pillows. Which is great for me. Hahah sucka! So if anyone reading this has a suggestion on a pillow even an actual pillow in the shape of a travel pillow... Idk I have looked as I go on errands and I have yet to figure the pillow thing out) okay off of the pillow thing, obviously it's an issue ha. So after I adjust her head I then cover her with a sheet and or blanket depending on how warm or cold her body is aft the rolling of her over. It doesn't matter which way this part goes because within the half hour it will go back off or on, her body doesn't hold heat very well so if I get her cozy and warming up ten minutes later she is suffocating from heat and I strip it all off and within ten minutes her body is literally ice cold. So can't win this one either, if this is what menopause is like... I hope my years leading up to it are forever slow and then some. So after we finish the blanket saga I grab my pillow  kitty and switch the side of the bed we are on and we fall back asleep (kitty has been wanting to sleep on me, literally or in between my legs so i get so worried im going to crush her but if i roll over she usually adjusts to me and we sleep goo, ohhh my i love her) And we do this routine a few times in the night sometimes more than others. If she isn't in my bed for some reason I lay there wide awake sleep for 5 minutes and toss and turn in the five minutes. So i make her just sleep with me, selfish reasons... Mostly for my sake I want to sleep haha. 

We are now at about 6:00am, my older brother plops my nephew into my bed, and he is gone for the day he usually comes home anywhere between 6:00pm to 9:30pm ish depends what he feels like doing. Monty will sleep until about 7:30 if we are lucky, and about 7:31 I hear, I want to watch a movie auntie. This is the part of my day where I get grouchy cause time seems to speed up... So i hand Monty my moms phone and ditch them and take a 20 minutes snooze in my moms bed, (my moms bed is the most comfortable thing on the planet at this time) and at 8:01 am usually right on, my mom has to pee... Somehow I find myself out of the deepest sleep so I'm groggy while trying to get my mom out of the middle of the bed, this involves the same roll over technique but also trying to slide her at the same time which is a little more of a process. While doing this I usually have Kitty jumping on me saying good morning which unfortunately is the cutest thing on the planet so I have to refrain from making out with her as much as I usually do it is the hardest, also Eva is scratching my new bed I am trying to stop her, while during all this Monty is jumping on me around me hanging on my leg needing something.... On top of this my mom is saying usually calmly " I really have to pee... I will pee your bed if I have to..." I am impressed and happy she hasn't peed in my bed ..(yet). After I start to get her up enough to sit her up this is sorta tricky.... I have to pull her up....I use to do it with her arm and back but the past few weeks her left arm is getting to feel like the right. so I slide my left arm under her neck/back while I start to lift her torso, I slide one leg off the bed and once she is up enough i have to get her sitting completely up and feet to the ground quickly but not to quickly cause her body only wants to go so " fast" or she just falls straight back because she no longer as stomach muscles to flex, and to help her from falling back. After i get her here... I have to let her legs adjust. This is the part where I either get Monty a new distraction, or kiss kitty's little nose for a little while. When my mom is ready I help her get up, this part can either take one pull and she is standing up or a couple. I then act as a walker and help her to the nearest toilet, while keeping kitty Eva and Monty who is usually a puppy at this time out of her walking way... She usually needs to concentrate really hard and it doesn't take much to make her fall. After we successfully get the toilet I help her get her pjammies down, help her aim her booty and she sits. I usually make her sit for a few minutes. I pull out her wheels and take it around the house for a minute and park until she is done in the bathroom, when she is done using el toilet.. I pull up her pants and sit her in her chair. 

::yikes!!:: haha so depending on the day of the week, will decide where the day goes from here... If I am not extra grouchy by the morning is over ish... I attempt cooking eggs... Monty usually finds my moms candy stash and doesn't want breakfast, or I make my mom a shake... If its a school day I have an hour 8:30 to 9:30 to get a hyper baby dress and fed, myself semi decent looking for school and my mom fed before I go. 

Tuesday/Thursdays

 So between 9:30 -10:00 I take Monty to his mom. I go to school try not to fall asleep (art history is booooring) i get out around 1:00, I will either stop and grab lunch or make lunch, After I feed us.  I either do homework, scrub the house or shower my mom or play with my animals (productive i know) We don't really have a set routine. 

3:30 I go back to school

after class I go pick up Monty, I make or get some sort of dinner to feed the family. Monty usually is either hyper or very demanding and bossy... 

So my mom and I just make it up as we go, the only time he stays in one general area is in the bath tub!!! So if I am desperate I throw out the b word, and we have one happy little guy(: 

Depending when his padre gets home, this usually sets the mood for the rest of the night, he either comes home and makes Monty a little prisoner down stairs ( he isn't allowed to hangout with Grammy anymore ) we have to hear him get lectured and cry all night ):  or his padre doesn't come upstairs until bedtime which varies 7-1030 and we van just hangout and play. Nothing is ever consistent. After whatever, just happens haha my mom and I will watch tv or a movie or sit and wonder what just happened.... It varies. 

 Between, 11:00pm-12:30am I make my mom sit on the toilet until she goes pee...and then I walk her into my room, get her adjusted in my bed. I tuck Eva and kitty in bed, I walk around he house at least twice to make sure all doors are locked windows are closed blinds are closed. my mom makes me adjust the heater either on or off.. I get hesitant when she does this because I. The middle of the night it needs to go either on or off.. (So I pretend to adjust it, the perfect temperature for her is 71.. So I adjust it there and she hasn't complained about it. In the middle of the night ever. Hahah so if she has my adjust it, I just pretend.(:  )

And at this point... We watch a Netflix movie for about a minute, and crash until about 12:05 and my day goes right back to the third paragraph... 

Monday/Wednesday

((So everyday is like I said in third and fourth paragraph... I could copy and paste it, but really ...I got mentally exhausted just writing about it, that I am sure anyone reading this doesn't want to read it again. I sure don't. But I will...like my mother I have an OCD about my spelling.  Hahah oh my... Anyway))

Monday Wednesday and Friday...

I feel like I am a major slacker on these days.... Now that I am thinking about what I do on these days my mind is blank... 

Mondays, I take Monty to his moms about 10:00am I come home... We eat breakfast sit around, I do homework, when i say homework it's code for Pinterest...if I didn't shower my mom Sunday I shower her if we aren't doing anything major.... I will clean the house. (Sometimes I go on strike to see if my brother or sister will help clean but when walking into the kitchen and the smell makes me gag right away I give in... Horrible to admit i know but when people start putting trash next to the trash and take the trash lid off to add more to it...instead of taking the trash out..... Come on........) 

We usually get some sort of fast food for lunch... If my sister is home she is awesome to get food, or even cook it because at this point I am over it.

[ I must admit I have to be constantly fed... I turn into a beast if I am hungry, I don't always feel hungry but i get beyond grouchy, i am sure this is common haha i hope.... but especially before I shower my mom I make sure I am we'll fed hahah nobody wants a beastly hungry person about to shower you.... Dun dun Dunn...... ]

So after lunch I think about cleaning my room or homework but we usually just hangout it seems like. I go get Monty between 4:30 and 5:30 depending on what was arranged and then...  We do  the dinner thing... The bath bribe. (I know it's horrible but hey...it's gotten me this far) and then it's back to the paragraph about when he is padre gets home...yadda yadda..... And then the part where we go to bed... And then it starts up around 12:05! 

Wednesdays: same as Mondays except its Monty's long day with his mother so he hangs out with her until like 7:30 ish I drive to west valley police station to pick him up, I usually feel ghetto at this point, I don't even get out of my sweats sometimes. It's safe to say I let myself go hahaha ew. 

Fridays: Monty's dad his off work so they usually go bummin or something and we just do whatever. I can't really think of anything specific we do on any of these days. Hmm. 

Saturday/Sunday

I hangout with el Zach man.

So if you are still reading this... i am impressed haha

in between all of this.... 

I am scratching her itches, moving her hair out of her mouth or eyes 

opening drinks, holding drinks for her to get sips, adjusting her legs and arms. 

Helping her wipe her eyes when they feel like they are burning 

Helping her get up and potty.

There is a few other things in there that aren't coming to my mind right now.

I can honestly say... I would not want to be anywhere else doing anything else.

If I get grouchy it's because at times it can be overwhelming and I feel like I have the right to feel overwhelmed. When i shower her, she looks so beautiful to me and i don't care to have nurse or anyone else be doing these things because these are moments that i will always have in my heart and never ever forget.

 regardless of the gray hairs and stress,

 I don't know when 

but 

I do  know that someday all this is going to be gone and I will be sitting by myself 

wondering what I should be doing with myself.  

I will know in my heart that I did everything I could mentally and physically do for her. 

Why??

Why why???
Why do I wait last minute to do everything!
I have known about 3 major papers, for two different classes since the beginning of the semester.
They are due on Tuesday, have I started them... Only one. Hahaha

I think I write better under stress cause I do this every time.
Why do I do it?? I just don't know.

My attempt of 25 facts about myself... I got 13 /:

Well hello.
I thought I would try this blog thing, since I always ramble and nobody I talk to seems to really care about any of it except my Zach man, but I am pretty sure he tunes me out without being to obvious. Ha he is definitely a sweet boy. 💓 😍

So random 25 facts people may or may not know about me... (I hope I can think of that many, I feel like a bore) k ...ready....set......go!

1. My name is Brandy Lynn, nobody ever that I can remember has called me that (unless I am in trouble heheh) I have been called bran bran, brandy Lou, B. , hutch, b dog(it was cool in jr high school...gag!)  and little missy. 

2. I am beyond obsessed with my pup kitty! Ooh how she makes me heart melt, I can't get enough of her. She can get enough of me but my favorite time with her is bright and early when she first wakes up. She jumps on the bed and slowly crawls up to my face and I kiss her little nose and she she rolls on her back and we just snuggle while I rub her paws, if I don't let her go the second she is done she usually sneezes in my face and runs haha little stinker!

3. When I was little sometimes my little brother and I would pretend he was my boyfriend and hold hands in the store, I was probably in kindergarten and it was just the cool thing to do I guess.

4. Very randomly i think about things that I did when I was little and I fester. Example: I had this cool robot pocket watch that my mom gave me, and my class was in line for something and I pushed a kid and he was going to tell in me, so he said give me your watch and I won't tell on you. So sadly I did. I want my effing robot watch back! Hahaha kidding but not kidding

5. My zodiac is Cancer, and sometimes I read things about the sign and it makes me laugh cause I feel like it's exactly me. Not necessarily the what your day is going to be like stuff...(sometimes its dead on, but No, i do not live my life according to what my daily astrology advice is) its more like the moody things they point out, how one minute I can be in party mode and the next I don't want to be around people. Haha sad, but true it's totally why I am a hermit. I blame being born in the month of June.

6. I love people watching, it's amazing how you look beyond the front people put up and you can really see what kind of person they really are, just because I am quiet and keep to myself doesn't mean I am clueless as to what's going on. I am fully aware of what goes on around me and I choose to deal or not deal with it. Whatever.

7. My mom is my BFF... I am not just saying this because she is sick and blah blah blah... But even before we were attached at the hip. Anyone that knows us and will vouch for that. Most of my shinanagins growing up, she was behind the wheel (literally) . Haha I mean what mom would drive her daughter and best friend at the time down state street, on a Saturday night and also help other friends sneak out of their houses to come hangout hahah silly mom, I just love her!

8. I cannot sleep if there is not one little tiny light shinning somewhere in my room, for the longest time even into my adult hood I have had to sleep with a night light. Yay for childhood trauma. I have tried to concur it with mind over matter, even having someone turn off my light while I am dead asleep and as soon as it happens my eyes are wide open and I start Into panic mode. When I go to haunted houses, I am fine until its a black room with no lights... My heart rate goes instantly up, palms are sweaty and I'm ready to curl up in a ball and cry. Meanwhile girls are screaming and running away from the chainsaw guys... Hahaha I wish. 

9.  Unfortunately I love making friends, and I feel like a creeper status because I give people all my trust up front and I am so naive and ready to get to now each-other and have fun and then... They do something like start some sort of conflict (major turn off) and it just ruins the magic for me and I am over it. But then! They say or do something nice and I forget all about the mean/bad thing they did and the magic is back!! And then oh wait... Something else happens  maybe not the same thing but enough for me to be a little hurt or a lot of hurt and I curl up in my shell and just then....they reach out and the magic is back! Hahaha I had this problem with a girl I worked closely with. So exhausting! Will I learn?! Probably not... I love people, and no matter how many times someone hurts me or whatever you call it, they do one nice decent thing and that's all I see, goodbye to whatever just happened even if it was ten minutes ago... Hah holy hell it's exhausting. 

10. Well I'm only on ten and I feel like I have nothing else to say about me.... Zzzzzzzzzz...zzz maybe it's cause I am suck and its 11:oo and I should be sleeping. But noo... I told you I like to ramble.

11. Sometimes I get so much energy and excited about life that I just start exploding thoughts and ideas about where and what I want to do and when .. And then... My head falls back into my shoulders and I can't stop planning on how I'm going to make it happen. It's the best thing ever, and I love sharing my thoughts with my Zach man cause he gets excited with me and it makes me even more excited.

12. It's 11:11, I use to make the same wish for the longest time, girly I know.... But If I was awake I would do it. And now that its come true, 11:11 just makes me smile. 


13. Spiders, I hate spiders. Can I kill them? No.... The crunch of a bug makes is the worst. I honestly don't know if there is anything worse. Eew okay on to 14 **😓

Okay we'll I only made it to 13. I'm over it, I need to rest my body isn't going to magically unsick itself. Bye!!!